Things we Learned About Finance Bros by (Briefly) Dating a Finance Bro

It’s not that they’re indeed ever mad during a valet. They usually wish him to learn.

And, when we consider about it, they’re unequivocally doing him a favor.

You could even call it “broblesse oblige.”

They do.

The indicate is, never ever hook a Porsche key.


There is an Uber for Helicopters. It’s called Blade. It goes to a Hamptons.

Also, frozé is a thing now?


They put their work calls on orator when you’re unresolved out. This might be foreplay. You will never be sure.

But they will regularly make it transparent that they consider we should write a New York Sex Diary about them.

Like, apparently they don’t want you to, yet it’d be kind of humorous if we did.

No, yet we totally should, though. If we want.

It’d be good to leave a bequest somewhere—you know?


You should be carrying some-more sex with them, given a series of times that they pierce adult a whole Sex Diary thing, yet they’re super stressed right now.

Maybe we could usually fume some weed and listen to a new John Mayer manuscript together?

That’d be nice.

They usually need to send, like, 3 some-more e-mails before C.O.B.

O.K., maybe four?

They unequivocally wish that they were some-more benefaction in a moment. They apologize for not being some-more benefaction in a moment.

(It’s a usually time they’ve ever apologized to we for anything.)

Being benefaction in a impulse means popping half a Xanax and streamer to a hotel sauna but you.

When they return, a dual of we still don’t have sex.

That said, sex does make them momentarily forget a imminence of death.

They plead this usually once, stoned, and will never plead it again.


They will take we to really smart experimental-cocktail bars that they review about on Gothamist. They will inspire we to try something with twenty ingredients. They will sequence an Old Fashioned.

Every. Single. Time.


They are astounded and tender by group who have wives their possess age.

They get choked adult when their bosses tell them to “have a happy Christmas.”

They adore their fathers.



They’re going to give adult celebration for Lent.

They’re going to remove twenty pounds not drinking.

They’re going to finally quit their pursuit and pierce to farming New Hampshire to do a Ph.D. in a humanities and take prolonged walks with a really vast dog.

They don’t.

They personally review Jezebel, sometimes.

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